With the current interest in mental health topics, a mental health language has emerged with words such as manipulation, boundaries, limits, rescuing, dependence, and codependence. Many people are unclear what these words mean when applied to relationships. I would like to bring some clarity to one of these terms - MANIPULATION - and how it relates to the other terms mentioned above. Webster’s New World Dictionary defines manipulation as:

“managing or controlling artfully or by shrewd use of influence, often in an unfair or fraudulent way; to alter or falsify for one’s own purpose.”

In relationships, manipulation can be defined as:

any attempt to control, through coercion (overt or covert), another person’s thoughts, feelings or behaviors.

From this definition, manipulation would seem to have no advantages. However, if you are codependent and defined by others, there can be many advantages. When you allow others to control your thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and make decisions for you,

– you do not have to think for yourself;

– you can avoid taking risks and making difficult decision;

– you can avoid taking a stand on controversial issues;

– you can avoid feeling responsible for negative outcomes;

– you get to blame others when things go wrong;

– you can believe, when others tell you how to behave, what to think, how to feel and what to decide, that you are “being loved” because they “want what is best for you”;

– you can avoid feeling separate and alone by avoiding conflict;

– you can avoid the hard work of emotional growth and development.

Appreciating the advantages of not being manipulated is to accept the hard work of living and interacting with others. It is about being willing to grow and develop emotionally. These advantages can be that,

– you learn to know who you are, what you like, what you think, and how you feel;

– you learn to make difficult decisions;

– you get to take credit for your decisions;

– you learn to handle risks and uncertainty;

– you learn to handle differences and conflicts;

– you get to be in control of your life and know the freedom of personal self-reliance;

– you get to have an increased sense of self worth by feeling competent and capable of taking responsibility for your life and personal happiness.

Manipulation is usually attempted using power, unsolicited helping, rescuing, guilt, weakness, and/or dependence, in order to achieve a desired outcome. For example,

1) Power - physical, verbal, intellectual intimidation or threats, put-downs, belittling, withholding of things needed or wanted. The goal is to be in a “one up, I am right and you are wrong” position;

2) Unsolicited helping/rescuing - doing things for others when they do not request it, want it, or need it; helping others so they become indebted, obligated, and owe you. The goal is to be in the “after all I have done for you, and now you owe me” position;

3) Guilt - shaming, scolding, blaming others, attempting to make others responsible, trying to collect for past favors. The goal is to be in the “it is all your fault,” or “after all I have done for you and now you treat me like this” position;

4) Weakness/dependence - being (or threatening to become) helpless, needy, fearful, sick, depressed, incompetent, suicidal. The goal is to confuse want with need, with the message “if you do not take care of me, something bad is going to happen and it will be all your fault” position.

With manipulation, there is a physical and emotional response, such as a heightened level of anxiety or irritation, although it may not be perceived as such.

Manipulation feels like a struggle or contest, not free communication. The reason is the manipulator is always invested in the outcome of a situation.

This is where boundaries differ from manipulation. Boundaries (or limits) are statements about our values and where we stand on issues. True boundaries are not threats or about getting the other person to do what we want. True boundaries are not compromised by another’s response.

For example, you discover that your spouse has lied to you and has run up a large gambling debt. You discover the problem by chance, get financial and professional help and are back on track. However, there are new signs of trouble. It is time for some hard decisions.

- What is your bottom line

- What will you tolerate

- What manipulative tactics do you use to change your spouse’s behavior - check up on them constantly, bird-dog them, never let them be alone, hide the credit cards, lie to your creditors, parents, and children - How much rescuing, guilt, power plays, threats, and protection do you run on the gambler

- At what point do you stop trying to change their behavior and let them know your bottom line

You cannot make them do or not do anything. You can only let them know what your position is and what you are willing to do to protect yourself and those you are responsible for.

The problem with loud, threatening bottom lines, is that they keep getting louder, more threatening, and redrawn lower and lower.

We tend to determine what our position and action is by what the other person does, instead of voicing our true position and then responding accordingly. This is the time for tough decisions and actions.

In another example, a friend asks you for a ride to work because she is having car trouble. This is the time to establish ground rules, such as, how long will she need your help, pick up times, expense sharing, days off, etc. A boundary or limit is set when you clearly let your friend know what you are willing to do and not do.

Problems arise - she is frequently not on time morning and evening. Do you wait and be late, or do you leave her Her car has been in the shop six weeks because she cannot afford to get it out. She has not offered to help with the expense, nor does she seem concerned about the arrangement.

Your friend is using weakness to manipulate and be dependent on you. She has transferred her problem to you and you have accepted it by rescuing and not setting boundaries or limits on your participation in her problem. If you refuse to wait when she is late and she has problems as a result, she will blame you and try to make you feel guilty. What we really want are for others to be responsible and play fair; however, when they do not, we either have to set boundaries, or feel manipulated and victimized with the accompanying advantages and disadvantages.

Lastly, often we confuse UNDERSTANDING with AGREEMENT.

This is when people confuse their decisions with wanting the recipient of a decision to like or agree with it. When we make decisions that oppose the desires of others, there is a cost. We usually attempt to minimize that cost by explaining, in exhaustive detail, our rationale for that decision, somehow thinking if they could just understand our position, they would agree.

Applying that scenario to parent and child - if a parent makes a decision based on the best interest of the child, it needs to be made separate from whether the child is going to like it. When a child knows it is important to the parent that they be happy with a decision, then it will never be in the child’s personal interest to be happy with an unwanted decision. If a child knows that their happiness with a parental decision is of equal importance to the decision itself, then all a child has to do is be unhappy in order to make their parent uncomfortable and doubt their decision — after all, it is always worth a try. This same dynamic can apply to interactions among adults also.

How do we manage manipulation By becoming more aware of our interaction with others.

• Is the interaction an attempt to communicate or does it feel like a contest
• Are you beginning to feel anxious or irritated
• Do you want to get out of the conversation
• Does the interaction fit into a manipulative style
• Is there an attempt to use power, service, guilt, or weakness to get your cooperation
• Are you a willing participant in your own manipulation
• Is it easier not taking responsibility
• Are you attempting to manipulate others instead of setting clear boundaries
• Are you making a distinction between a value and a preference

Preferences can be negotiated, but values should not.

Our society does not deal well with differences in values and preference. We tend to take it as a personal affront and insult when others disagree with us. We will avoid conflicts at all costs, because it feels like rejection. What we need is to communicate to others, clearly and calmly, our values, preferences, and boundaries. We need to be respectful and dedicated to listening, hearing and appreciating, if not understanding, how we all are different.

Anxiety is a very serious condition that affects over 40 million Americans and causes an incredible amount of lost opportunities for individuals due to their debilitating anxiety. Their anxiety takes many different forms; from general anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, and often times specific anxiety which focus on actions such as driving or flying. Regardless of the form of anxiety it is clear it is a very difficult condition to deal with, and they make the sufferer lead an often times extremely difficult life.

Many of the sufferers of anxiety go to their doctor seeking help, and the doctor almost invariably prescribe anxiety medications. These medications can definitely help the sufferer, and can drastically change the user’s life. However many of the negatives of prescription anxiety medications are not clear to the user when they first start taking the medicine.

The most drastic and immediate concerns are the side effects than come along with prescription medicines. Some of the worst include: Amnesia, depression, thoughts of suicide, decreased libido, inability to orgasm, impotence, migraines, and sleep apnea. That list is only a small representation of the entire list of negative effects that can come from prescription anxiety medicines. It is encouraged that anyone considering a prescription anxiety medicine to fully research all of the side effects associated with a specific medicine so they are fully informed about what they are going to potentially be ingesting on a daily basis. These side effects are commonly worse than the initial anxiety they were prescribed to treat and many times require a separate prescription medicine to treat which again cause more unnecessary side effects, and long term adverse health effects.

Along with the side effects another potentially life threatening result of prescription medicines is the dependency they can cause. Prescription anxiety medicines are known to cause dependency and require an increased dosage over time to realize the same results initially achieved through the smaller dose. This increased dosage not only causes increased side effects, but it can also cause new side effects not formally present such as mania, and severe depression. In addition many former addicts and those with addiction problems are prescribed an anxiety medication which cause their addictions to flare up and lead to the use of dangerous street drugs and pain killers which result in a very high chance of death for the user.

Natural anxiety treatments on the other hand do not have any of these dangers, and they do not sacrifice the effectiveness of their treatments. Over 30 clinical studies have been performed comparing the effectiveness of natural ingredients to prescription treatments such as: Valerian Root, Passionflower, 5-HTP, GABA, L-Theanine, and Hops. these studies have shown that they are as effective at treating mild to moderate anxiety as prescription medicines, and their results in treating major anxiety has been inconclusive. As well these natural ingredients do not have any major or dangerous side effects, and when taken in moderate dosage typically don’t have any side effects. These also do not cause dependency, nor do they trigger addictive relapses.

It is essential for every individual to know about what is anxiety disorder? Anxiety disorder covers different forms of pathological anxieties and fears. The present generation is facing a wide range of anxiety disorders. The surveys indicated that 20% of Americans’ are suffering with different kinds of anxiety disorders.

In several cases depression and anxiety are most commonly observed in alcoholics, druggists and people who take excess caffeine in their daily routine. This will worsen the condition of the sufferer and results in panic attacks or severe anxiety.

The studies indicated that half of the patients who suffer from anxiety disorder have taken benzodiazepines or alcohol for prolonged periods. The person who is taking excess amount of alcohol or drugs will not get positive results while treatment as it is necessary to quit the habits before undergoing any anxiety treatment.

It is necessary for them to first know about what is anxiety disorder? And then it is advised to get the required treatment depending on their condition. The symptoms may even worsen when they quit the intake of benzodiazepines or alcohol. However, it will be much easier to treat the sufferer in such situations than while he/she is addicted to them.

Five to ten percent of people are affected by this disorder at the older age. Most of the sufferers are middle age or young people. This is due to the stress and work pressure and heavy responsibilities in their life. However, all the anxiety problems can overcome if you try to help yourself.